#but if nothing else. you know they're probably going to make stupid decisions with it now because of this

[oveliagirlhaditright]

I'm just... I'm so angry at Square Enix right now, for them blaming Final Fantasy XVI for their loss of shares.

I could get into it, but I'm trying not to: I'm trying to breathe and calm down.

But I worry that this might not bode well for Square Enix's future, perhaps, or at least the future of the Final Fantasy series. *bites nails*

[berryz-writes]

You're mine, sweetheart

Summary: Theo cheers you up after a shit day

Theodore Nott x reader

Pansy looked me up and down, hate simmering in her eyes. She scoffed "Don't tell me that's what your wearing. You look like an absolute slag"

After being best friends with her for our first few years and realising how toxic she really was I had tried to keep my distance from her but she didn't get the hint and instead liked to comment on each and every thing I did. Of course the comments hurt me but maybe after the years they just didn't hurt as much. Maybe I was immune now. The dress I had chosen for this nights party was a short green dress, something to celebrate our Quidditch win but of course the dress didn't live up to her expectations. What was really annoying was she wore a similar dress just a few weeks back but according to her I was the one who looked like a slag.

"I think it looks nice Pansy"

I turned to my mirror and applied a light pink lip gloss that was almost finished because of the amount of times I had used it. I couldn't be bothered arguing with her tonight. I wasn't about to let her ruin my mood.

"I bet you tried finding the shortest dress in that store"

I rolled my eyes "What are you on about?" I was getting tired of her stupid, annoying comments.

"You know exactly what I'm on about. Don't think Theo's gonna fuck you after this, honey. Your just like all the other desperate bitches at the party"

I gritted my teeth together and put my lip gloss down trying to appear as unaffected as I could. "Fuck off. Jealousy isn't a good look on you"

I walked past her, tears forming in my eyes. Before I could leave she made sure to mutter "Once a whore, always a whore". I let my feet carry me outside to the warm summer evening where the sun was setting. I walked around the lake trying to blink away the tears so my makeup wouldn't be ruined. Was there any point of going to the party? No, probably not.

I sat down on hill, the freshly mowed grass making a soft carpet for me to relax on. Me and Theo had sat hear many times before whether it was to have a late night snack or to miss lessons. It was a comforting place.

I sat there until the sun set and soon it got darker. Almost too dark. My thoughts had cleared now. My tears no longer trying to make an appearance. Maybe I could join the party. Just because one person was being an ass didn't mean everyone else would be.

As I was contemplating on whether I should stand up or not someone cleared their throat behind me. I raised my wand instantly expecting...well something scary I guess.

It was in fact Theo holding a small golden lantern. I didn't bother standing up and instead waited for him to flop down next to me.

"My favourite person isn't going to congratulate me on my performance today?" He placed the lantern between us so we were both bathed in a warm orange light. I could just about make him out, his features looking almost worried.

"You were good." I said. I didn't have the social battery to talk to him right now even if he had done nothing wrong.

He smiled at me "I know. What's up with you? Your usually dragging me to parties but instead your...well from my point of view it looks like your mourning your rabbit"

I let out a small laugh. Even at times like these he could make me laugh. "I just don't understand. Why is it so hard for some people to be nice?"

Theo shrugged "They're probably insecure. Or jealous."

"Yeah. Probably"

We sat in silence for another few minutes before Theo stood up stretching out his hand to me "Come on, sweetheart. Your the life of the party. It's no fun without you"

I stood up and handed him the lantern instead "You can be the life of the party tonight. I'm tired"

"Don't let someone ruin what you want to do. Y/n you love parties. You've never missed one. Unless you really are tired, I'll respect your decision and walk with you to your room"

I contemplated my options. I could do what I really wanted to do which was go to the party and enjoy life with my friends or I could get cosy in my bed and feel like a coward for the next week. He was right. No one got to influence what I wanted to do.

"Your playing truth or drink with me then"

He grinned at me "Whatever you want, sweetheart"

As we walked back inside the castle from a more hidden entrance Theo made sure to hold my hand because apparently he "didn't want me to trip and get hurt". Whatever the reason was it didn't stop butterflies from forming in my stomach.

I had to blink at the sudden brightness of the corridors, the light finally letting me see Theo clearly. He had dropped my hand and instead was surveying me.

Theo's eyes took their time on inspecting my outfit, hungrily devouring the way the dress emphasised my curves. He finally brought his gaze up to look at me, his eyes slightly darker than usual "You look absolutely divine"

I smiled at the compliment "If you weren't my best friend, I'd say you were flirting with me"

He raised an eyebrow "Maybe I am. It's quite hard not to when my best friend is so fucking gorgeous" My cheeks heated at his words, my dress feeling a little too tight all of a sudden. I think I needed to sit down after that.

He extended his arm so I could wrap my hand around it. "I can't wait to tell everyone we're dating"

I paused. What did he say? "If that's ok with you" He added hastily.

I thought about what he said. Had I always imagined what it would be like if Theo asked me out and we weren't just best friends anymore? Of course I did. Every single second of every single day.

"That's fine with me"

He smiled again, a small dimple appearing in his left cheek "Then it's settled. Your mine, sweetheart. And I'm yours" 

[thisapplepielife]

Written for @corrodedcoffinfest.

Got You Good, Kid

Day #15 - Let's Talk About That | Word Count: 1000 | Rating: T | CW: Language, Smoking, Mentions of Unplanned Pregnancy, Eddie Being a Bit Lot of a Dick | POV: Gareth | Pairing: Gareth/OFC (Off-Screen), Background Steddie | Tags: Modern Day Setting, Road Manager Steve Harrington, Eddie and Gareth are BFFs, But Gareth's Keeping Secrets, So They're Fighting, Fucking Interviewers, Fucking Paparazzi, Fucking Eddie

Gareth adjusts the mic on his collar. Beside him, Eddie's fidgeting, Jeff is texting and Goodie's head is tipped back like he's sleeping or counting the ceiling tiles. 

It's the usual press junket. The same ten questions they all answer, over and over again. It's a goddamn bore. 

"One more question," the journalist says. 

She turns her iPad towards them. It's a picture of Gareth, standing on a sidewalk, a lit cigarette in his hand.

Yeah, he smokes when he's stressed sometimes, sue him. 

"Any comment?" 

Eddie leans forward, looking more closely, "Yeah. Don't smoke, kids."

Everybody laughs, and Gareth thinks that's it, until the reporter swipes to the left and another picture fills the screen. Eddie's not looking at the screen anymore. Now, Eddie's looking at Gareth.

Steve comes in out of fucking nowhere, "No comment. We're done here."

And they are. The room is cleared, and they make a quiet trip back to the hotel. 

Only after the door closes, does Eddie wheel on him.

"What the fuck is going on? Did you get a girl pregnant, and what? Just not tell any of us?" 

Gareth quickly looks at Steve, and Eddie doesn't miss the flick of his eyes.

"Oh, you're fucking kidding me. Steve knew? Before me?" 

And Gareth can't really determine if Eddie's mad that he's gonna be a dad or that Steve knew before he did. 

"He's Steve. He manages everything. I was waiting until the tour was over to tell you."

"Are you with her?" Eddie asks. "Is this why you've been bailing on us?"

"We're taking it slow," Gareth answers. He likes her. Could love her. But they agreed to focus on this first.

"Yeah, looks real slow to me."

"And I haven't bailed. I haven't missed shit."

"Eddie," Steve says, trying to rein Eddie in before he's too revved up.

Too late.

"How goddamn stupid are you? She got you good, kid."

Gareth clenches his fists, instantly mad, because that's not true. Not at all. He doesn't think this was some scheme to baby trap him and milk him for money. Corroded Coffin is famous, but they aren't so rich and famous that he'd be a mark for that kind of plotting. 

He had a one night stand, and she got pregnant. She told him. They made the decision together to proceed.

"That's not fucking true. The condom didn't work." 

"That's convenient. She probably poked holes in it."

"Well, it was mine, so..."

Eddie just stares at him, before finally saying, "Mark my words, because you're definitely getting an 'I told you so' when you're nothing but a checkbook and never see this kid."

"Eddie," Steve warns, and Eddie turns on him.

"And you? Not telling me."

"It wasn't for me to tell," Steve says, calmly. Because Eddie can't ruffle Steve's feathers, not like he can Gareth's. Steve won't allow it. There's no steamrolling of Steve Harrington by Eddie Munson.

"She looks like she's about ready to pop! How long have you known?" Eddie demands. 

Gareth's known for months. He just didn't know how to tell Eddie, because Eddie would be worried about the tour, the album, and everything else that affects Eddie. 

Gareth knows Eddie loves him, but Eddie still thinks he's a kid that needs tending to, even if that hasn't been true in years. 

"A while."

"Where does this girl even live?"

"She's a woman. We're both over thirty, yet you're acting like I preyed on a groupie."

Steve interjects, "I'm in contact with her dad, he's a lawyer. We're getting the parenting plan hammered out so Gareth can co-parent."

"Co-parent a kid from where?" Eddie repeats.

"Omaha."

"Omaha. That's great. Convenient for us all." 

"Well, it's centrally located," Steve offers. They both ignore him.

"She probably sold those pictures. No paps were in fucking Omaha."

"I think it was probably a fan…" Steve trails off, trying to bring reason to an unreasonable fight.

"I don't know what you want me to do, Eddie. I can't unring this bell."

And, honestly, he doesn't want to.

"You were smoking near her. Good job, dad."

"Did you see her when I was smoking? Fucking no. Because she wasn't there yet. Goddamn. You judgmental asshole."

Eddie huffs dramatically, "This is a fucking mess. If Steve wants to help, that's fine. But I'm not."

Gareth nods as Eddie storms off, and he'll come around. Gareth can't have a kid Eddie won't have anything to do with.

This'll blow over. It has to.

But Eddie's still mad. Weeks later. After the show, Steve's waiting with a smile, "You're having a baby. Wheels up in an hour."

"Oh shit," Gareth says, "too early?"

"No," Steve says, "just unwilling to consult the tour schedule. Already rude, just like you."

Gareth laughs, and runs towards the dressing room to shower. He passes Eddie without a word, but tells Jeff and Goodie the news.

Eddie pretends he doesn't hear, and Gareth can't dwell on the fact that he's losing his best friend. Has maybe already lost him. 

His daughter is coming, no matter how Eddie feels.

And an hour later, when Gareth is climbing the stairs of the borrowed private plane, Steve is the one behind him. Jeff and Goodie, already on board. 

The plane is crawling across the tarmac, when Goodie speaks, "Hey, wait, there's Eddie."

Sure enough, Eddie's on one of those little carts, being shuttled by airport staff, arms waving.

They must radio for the pilot to stop, and Eddie eventually slides into the seat next to Gareth.

"So, we're having a baby," Eddie says, and that's enough of an apology for now, because he needs Eddie.

There's a beat, and then Eddie asks, "Are you sure it's yours? You've never been early a day in your life."

Gareth laughs, "I'm sure. She must get that from her mom."

Eddie smiles, "We're having a girl?"

Gareth nods.

Eddie leans over and kisses Gareth's head, "Sorry, I'm late."

It's okay. Gareth thinks he's right on time.

If you want to write your own, or see more entries for this challenge, pop on over to @corrodedcoffinfest and follow along with the fun! 🦇

Notes: Lord, I think one was edited and changed and fiddled with the most to stay at 1000 words but say everything I wanted to say. Take away ten, add twenty-seven. Rinse, repeat. There was a whole flash-forward at the end that just had to go for word count reasons. But just know. It works out, for all of them. ❤️

[sordidmusings]

Switching Up Roles - Part 1/2 (Buggy x Reader)

A/N: So the request got insaaaaanely out of hand cuz I can't shut the fuck up about this stupid clown 🙃 In the future I gotta have requests ask for headcanons, full fic, or headcanons with drabbles in the future so I can put a cap on my brain lol I had also been wanting to write Switch!Buggy learning to embrace the sub part of himself. I wanted to get part of it out and the set up cuts off pretty cleanly here. There is a taste of smut in it, but it stays with the style of the exposition for the most part instead of really delving into it.

Word count: ~1760 (The draft is at 8100 rn 🧍🏻‍♀️)

Warnings: afab!reader (no pronouns), switch!reader, switch!Buggy, NSFW, p in v, creampie, they're like probably too into each other, Buggy leans towards opla Buggy, I have a propensity to just keep sentences going man

I hope you enjoy a taste and thank you for your patience 🙏🏻

Part 2

~ ~ ~ ••• ✦✦✦ ••• ~ ~ ~

You’d always had a hunch about Buggy. It started with little things like how his grunts and moans would sometimes slip in and out of something more whiny and breathy. How the look in his eyes would turn from something rabid and devouring into something desperate and uncertain. Maybe he was just more comfortable using the whole range of his voice than most men. Maybe that look just came from the insecurity in him that you were constantly trying to wring out with every lingering hug and reassuring whisper.

Speaking of those, he drank them up like an addict. Now, it’s not like you think it’s abnormal to enjoy soft touches and sweet words; everyone wants those from their partner in one form or another. The thing is, Buggy seemed to hang on those words with extra ardor. He’d focus on you like nothing else existed. He’d twist and turn both himself and his comfort zone in order to receive them. Whenever he accomplished something, whether it was as big as defeating a new enemy or as small as making a new joke, he would turn his face to seek you out like a plant’s leaves reaching to feel the sun. He’d go to you whenever he was uncertain. Difficult announcements were made with you within arm’s reach, vital decisions were made with you sitting thigh to thigh, and battles were fought with the two of you back to back.

Despite his status as captain, Buggy was always following you. Of course, he was the one in charge, the one who gave orders, but you were the one for whom he would change those orders or redirect his path. When you entered a room, he was the one to go to you. It was only on rare occasions that he’d order you to him like an owner would a dog. His calls for you were greetings, that is if he wasn’t getting up to lead you in himself. Buggy did know how to demand but he preferred to handle you with invitations. 

Even so, you were well versed in Buggy leading you to touch or lay where and how he wanted. The extending months of your relationship have been filled with the two of you pushing and pulling at each other, empty of any thoughts and aims other than the need you had for each other. He has growled out commands and desires, expecting you to do just as he asked and he fit the role of manhandling you into a compliant sub very well. There were times when it seemed to be just that though - a role. Not every time; the more starved for your body he seemed, the more he’d take you just how he wanted. Now that you were months in and the pent up “what if”s were easing into the new joy of deep connection, his need for your body settled to hunger while his appetite for connecting to You became insatiable. Being able to allocate more time to exploring each other let latent behaviors break through the frantic way that you two tried to consume one another. Buggy had always aimed for your pleasure, hitting steady bullseyes, but now he was consciously seeking it and looking for new avenues to sate you and file them away for the future. He gained the clarity to observe while he was flooding himself with you.

You also noticed that with this change of pace came his need to chase your movements. You don’t think Buggy was even aware of the way he would lean his body towards you no matter the time or place, the way he would follow your lips whenever you pulled away, or the way his body would seek out your hands and happily mold to their movements like you were an artist working with clay. There was the way he seemed almost relieved when you would guide him. It appeared that he savored the time to unload the responsibility of decisions onto someone else but he had never known anyone he could trust to give him that peace before.

You understood that need. The rush you got when you only had to think of pleasing him and then hearing him tell you how good you were at doing just that? It was euphoria all on its own. It had you feeling like you knew in your core that you were doing something right and that you were making your love feel good - feel proud and happy. While you enjoyed partaking in it yourself, you had no problem taking control to give that to Buggy. Honestly it was a dynamic that was sounding tastier by the day. Seeing him act out of need for your direction and approval made you crave it more each time. You were eager to see him when he loses himself in the role of being what you want. You’re positive he’d take to it well; all you want is him after all, but now that he’s given pieces of himself to you, you want all of him. You want him to expose his needs to you, right down to the core of his desires, so that you could feel the thrill of holding that trust and vulnerability. You want to prove to him that he is always safe with you and that you can fulfill all that he wants and more.

One night a few weeks back, you got the final evidence you needed to feel confident labeling him as a switch like yourself. It was one of the few times Buggy was letting you ride him when he was close (he seemed to be embarrassed of the way it would pull out higher pitched moans from him, no matter how you complimented them), and he had let himself fall further into acting without thought than he usually would beneath you. His typical grapple with composure was replaced by him melting into bliss, leaving you a Buggy who was slack-jawed, glassy eyed, and trembling. You could still feel some hesitancy in the way he kept making his eyes focus on you even when they wanted to roll back or the way he would reign in his volume after a particularly (and deliciously) loud moan. His hands still went through the motions of guiding your hips, but this time your hips were pushing into that heavy grip instead of his hold directing the bounce and grind of your body on his.

Even though the feeling of his cock splitting you open and rubbing deliciously from your clenching entrance to the deepest stretch of your cunt left you struggling for thought, you were determined to keep an eye out for his tells that he would try to flip you back over. Whenever Buggy blinked some focus back into his eyes, you leaned down and captured his panting mouth in sloppy kisses. His eagerness to feel your swollen lips and teasing tongue made it easy to kiss his mind back into a blur. When he planted a hand down and sat himself up, you tightened your core to clench down on him and changed to the heavy grinds that made him weak with the way he could feel every hot, plush inch of you gripping him. He fell down to his elbow, but when you followed him to nibble at his ear and fill it with moans, he lost all his strength and collapsed back on the bed.

You kept at it because you needed to cum on top of him. The promise of a body shaking orgasm always came to you in the squeeze of your thighs around his waist, the grind of his pelvis on your clit, the way you could change your angle to have the head of his cock massaging whichever spot felt the most electric in the moment. It took hold of your mind with the way you got to look down on him spread out beneath you while he looked up at you with that desperate face. You could see how steeped he was in pleasure and need from his furrowed brow and shining eyes. Buggy always fell into the most beautiful, incoherent mess when you were the one leading him. His long blue hair spread out wildly, the few strands sticking to his face bringing out his pink flush. His gorgeous eyes, highlighted by stripes of blue makeup and long fluttering lashes, glistened up at you. His painted red mouth looked all the more tempting with how his kiss-wet lips parted for him to gasp in air and breathe out moans.

With little warning, Buggy sobbed out an overwhelmed, “Fuuu-hah-huuuuck,” and the next thing you knew strong hands yanked you down and he trapped you close in an iron grip. His forehead dug into your neck and his humid breath tingled down your chest. All you could feel, hear, smell was Buggy - so much burning skin, jumbled curses, lingering sea salt. His hands scrambled on your back, pulling you closer like he needed it to live, and amidst all the sensation you felt his cock pressed tight into you, twitching heavily with each wave of hot cum it pumped into you. It shoved you immediately far over the edge and you curled into him, squeezing and shaking and grabbing and gasping. You got what you were promised and your body shook, letting you get extra jolts of friction against his still pulsing cock.

The come down was slow and lethargic with the two of you molded to each other and unwilling to leave the moment behind. Your breaths eventually slowed while you both enjoy giving and receiving little trailing touches. Your brain was high from the intense orgasm and the building joy that you can finally open the door on this aspect of your relationship where Buggy lets himself submit.

That is, until he ruins it. 

Both of you were too tired to say much of anything through the swift cleanup and release to slumber. You didn’t think anything of it, because it wasn’t the first time it happened. You did start to catch on to Buggy’s avoidance when he would find convenient ways to dance around the topic or disappear when you were leading up to it. It became unquestionable when he started to run out of clever escape routes. The final straw was when you approached him with an “I wanna talk about the other night” and he did a 180 with a panicked “forgot some captain stuff for the thing” yelled back to you. So you let it drop. For a time.

You spotted your opportunity just over three weeks after you’d dropped the subject. Buggy continued to slip around you for almost two of those weeks, approaching you with the same caution a child would when entering a haunted house on a dare. He held the same nervous excitement and insatiable curiosity too. The whole time, you pretended that you hadn’t noticed. You were well practiced in the art of playing blind; Buggy wore his emotions on his sleeve whether he wanted to or not, and he loved that you would let him pretend some of it didn’t happen. Even though he knew you sometimes played it to your advantage and still let most of your comments and cackles out during his outbursts and foibles. He just paid you back for those with his own tricks and teasing and all’s fair in love and war.

You knew not to strike right away. You needed to reaaaaally let him settle back into normalcy between you two so that The Incident wasn’t on his mind. Not that you’d been able to get it out of yours; you were endlessly replaying the memory of him being seized by instinct and impulse so violently that he clung to you like he could never be close enough while you made him cum so hard that his dick felt like someone was jolting a toy inside you. Whether the imagery came to you on purpose or involuntarily, it always had you squirming and looking for some way to get off.

Today had been especially filled with that memory, but luck was on your side, finally ready to reward you for your patience. Buggy had been getting a bit exhausted recently, prepping the crew, the ship, and everything on it for a risky raid happening next week. It would be the culmination of a few months planning, and he had been running himself ragged making sure that everything would go smoothly. And, when it didn’t, there was a backup plan and at least two more backup plans for that one. 

He had been seeking rest from you more than interaction the past few days - falling asleep almost immediately after getting back to his room late, giving you long hugs where he’d close his eyes if only for a minute and let you hold up some of his weight, scarfing down his food so he could power nap with his head on your thigh while you finished your own meal. If he was doing something that only needed one hand, he’d send the other to you so he could have the comfort of your touch and the pick me up from feeling your occasional squeeze on it. He had to find and stop you the time you decided to massage his overworked hand, because the relaxing feeling had him zoning out through full conversations.

All that to say, the man clearly needed someone to force a break on him and take care of him. Just as clearly, Buggy was needing that care from you so much that he was allowing himself to seek you out in ways that he (wrongfully) feared would annoy or drain you. His exhaustion outweighing that sea-sized insecurity of his was the cue you’d been looking out for. If he really didn’t want to be submissive to you then that’s fine, but you’d be damned if it was just his own negative self-talk keeping the two of you from feeling that way again or from bonding even closer with another dynamic to exchange trust and affection. After all, that act of trust being met with affection is one of the best ways to chip away at his self-doubt and self-loathing.

~ ~ ~ ••• ✦✦✦ ••• ~ ~ ~

More to come - hope you enjoyed 🤍

[siddyyyyyyyy]

University Romance

Johnny 'Soap' McTavish x female!Reader

this is part two to: University Romance, part three

Wc: ~2.1 k

warnings: none, no y/n used, 'crazy' chemistry professor Soap, Johnny and Reader are about the same age, the name of the university is fictional

summary: You and Johnny are two professors at a university, and he often catches you working late in your office. Also, you're just really good friends and there's probably more to it.

a/n: a lot of cringe in here and just yapping, I'm pretty sure I will make a third part to it and see how it goes. Have fun!

Redcrest High Academy, Wednesday 9:00 AM

Okay... maybe, hopefully, they haven't heard of these ridiculous assumptions from his students. First semester, they're still pretty young, stupid, and still have to get used to being in a university. Of course they will assume something like this, their frontal lobe hasn't even developed completely yet, has it? Is it even such a big deal to be mistaken as a couple?

»Stupid boom box...« Johnny mutters under his breath, making you confused at the same time.

»Carl, boom box; he asked if we were married. And I'm pretty sure he is the one who came up with all these rumors.« He adds, clarifying your confusion and making up a theory at the same time.

»Oh, so we should just have a talk with him, and then it's done.«

»No! It's too late!«

He surprises you by taking this situation so seriously. There must be something else.

»Okay, that's a bit dramatic, don't you think?«

He sighs out dramatically once more and throws his head back, eventually taking you by your shoulders and shaking you lightly.

»You don't get it! Soon, everyone will know, and I don't-«

The door swings open and, Kyle stands there, papers in his hand while his other still holds the doorknob. You're both looking over to him, Johnny having a rather stressed expression on his face. Kyle looks between the two of you, staying still in his spot while the silence stretches out.

»Am I interrupting something?« The physics professor breaks the silence, a faint smirk on his lips. Johnny almost squeezes your shoulders in a death grip before he lets go, being still a bit out of the wind.

»No! Of course not, what's up?« He answers almost too quickly and puts his hands on his hips, focused on Kyle and trying really hard to pretend nothing happened.

Kyle takes a small step back, closing the door just a tad bit but keeps his eyes on you both.

»I can also come in later if I was a bother. No worries.« He clarifies, earning a look from you both. He waves the stack of papers in his free hand, ready to just close the door and leave from the lack of response from the two of you.

»Wait, no, Kyle— you can just give me the papers and...« Johnny steps to him and takes the papers, glancing down at them before he looks to Kyle once more.

»Do you think we're married?« He asks, having a serious look on his face while awaiting Kyles answer. Kyle smrik widens, pretending to think he meant him and Johnny, instead the two of you.

»Aren't you guys something?« He asks back and points between you both, making you look away and regret every life decision that led to this. Johnny's eyes widen, a heavy sigh leaving his lips as he dramatically puts his hand over his face.

»Thanks, Kyle.« Johnny mutters before he closes the door right on his face. He looks back to you, seeing you still feeling mostly confused about the dramatics of Johnny, and why he seems to be more exasperated than the first time he learnt about the sun exploding in about five billion years.

You sigh out softly, talking in a calmer tone.

»Why are you so upset about this? Did I miss something, or are you really just dramatic?«

He looks to you and tries to find his words, placing the stack of papers down on his desk before he leans against it.

»I just don't get why they think we are a couple... I mean, sure, I check up on your lectures sometimes and talk about you; I make sure you don't fall asleep in your office or overwork yourself, we spend our breaks together... But that doesn't mean we're married.«

You listen to him but get hung up in his words, holding your hand up for him to stop rambling.

»What did you just say?«

»We spend our breaks together?« He guesses, making you shake your head and ask again.

»No, before that.« You wait for him to repeat his words, being unsure if you heard him right.

»That I make sure you don't fall asleep here? What is it that I said?«

He makes you roll your eyes at him as he guesses again, putting both hands up and gesturing to him more impatiently.

»No, before that.«

He purses his lips, unsure if he should say it again or just somehow ignore the question, realising he said too much earlier. His lack of response makes you cross your arms and silently demand him to answer you finally. Johnny relents a moment later, sighing out sheepishly as he rubs the back of his neck.

»Okay, okay, I talk about you in class, but that has nothing to do with this.« He finally admits and leans back against his desk more while avoiding eye contact. It seems like you have got him caught in something, and this explains a lot. You don't even want to know what other stuff his students have assumed, but you are also curious about what exactly he talks about in his lectures, considering he should be teaching them chemistry.

»Just- okay... Maybe that's why your students assume that.« You sigh out, having no motivation to be upset about him. At least there's someone to blame now, and it's Johnny. »And maybe you should actually teach them about chemicals instead of... whatever you are doing.« You add to, making him rub the back of his neck. It's clear he feels embarrassed if not ashamed about it. Maybe he was this dramatic all the time, because he knew he is at fault. But then again, he doesn't make sense as he said he doesn't want anyone to know.

»Look, let's just say nothing about it. Everything is normal for now, no one suspects a thing. But if your fathere finds out...« He takes a deep breath and shakes his head faintly. »He's gonna kill me.«

He finishes off, once again with fantastic dramatics.

»Wait, what about my dad? I thought you two were good friends.«

But before he could answer you, the bell rings and signals the beginning of the next lectures. He ushers you both out of his office, guiding you back to your lecture hall, since it's next to his, waving you goodbye before stepping into his class.

He's strange.

Once Johnny enters the lecture, he is greeted by the many faces of his students and one particular student speaks up. Before he could say word though, Johnny puts his hand up to silence everyone.

»I'm not gonna answer your stupid question, but we're gonna make coloured fire!«

----

Office of your own, Wednesday 8:53 PM

It took you exactly four coffees to stay awake and distract yourself from today's events. And completing your work early on again. Your students are going to be happy to receive their assignments back early, but will probably feel concerned too. Also, you're staying late in your office again, on accident. But now that your work is done and there's nothing else to do before the next day, you decided to look through your old pictures back from your early twenties.

It felt nice just studying and living at your parents house at that time, where you weren't plagued to actually do adult stuff. But the memories are nice, seeing how much fun you had most of the time, how different your style was, the fun things you could do with your friends... how lovely Johnny stared at you? Is the caffeine catching up?

You go on that picture again, your whole friendgroup from the different classes of the university at a park, it being sunny, and making the photo look even more nostalgic. Another look at Johnny confirms his stare. Whenever he isn't occupied with something in these photos, he is most likely looking your way with a soft, almost fond, expression.

A rhythmic knock pulls you out of your train of thoughts, looking to the door that opens up. Again, Johnny walks in, most likely to force you out of this room once more.

»Wow, that's a big stack of papers. Did you do all this?« He points to all the work you've done today on the desk, approaching you at the same time.

»No, the friendly poltergeist did it.«

He smiles at the sarcastic response and huffs out amused. Once he's close enough to your desk, he leans arms against your desk, inspecting the papers. While he does that, you go on to sort through them once more, standing up while doing so.

He watches your hands work, helping out a bit at the same time. Eventually, the stack of papers are neatly sorted out, going into your bag for the next lecture.

»Damn, I look good... looked good, at least.« He speaks up, eyeing the screen of your computer while leaning over your desk a little more. It seems like you forgot to turn your computer off as he came in, quickly closing the tab with the photos now. He groans as you closed the tab, looking back to you.

»Why'd you have that open? For motivation?«

He tilts his head at you, waiting for your answer, with a subtle smirk.

»Did you know dentures used to be made out of dead soldier's teeth?«

You try to distract him, it working as he blinks and grimaces at your fun fact. He leans off your desk and you take the opppurtunity to finally turn your computer off. Johnny takes a small breath, pointing at you with his finger.

»I really wish I didn't know that.«

----

Redcrest High Academy, Friday 12:02 PM

Johnny has thought a lot about you. Since he saw these pictures on your screen, he can't help but think back to your college and university years. It was fun being in that friend group, there was always something to laugh at and the hangout's were truly something else. He lost count of how many drunk black-outs he had already, how many times he pulled all-nighters to study, and how many times he tried to ask you out. If he only had the courage... if he weren't that hesitant, he is sure you two were indeed married by now.

But he remembers that time his friends and him hung out at your place for the first time, just before your university years as students started. Your house was rather big with two floors and a back yard. At that time of the summer, you used your back yard to grill and hang out at. He can remember how surprised he was when he saw how pretty it was, not having expected much. But that positive surprise surely died down quickly when your dad came by to help with the grill.

He looked intimidating then, a few inches taller than himself and looking rather rough. But then again, that small scare flew by once your dad introduced himself and finally smiled politely.

John Price, or 'mister Price' as how he calls him, even now. He knew he'd need to make a good impression on him and didn't drink as much as usual, trying to talk to your dad a little more. Of course, it was that same evening when your friends found out about his profession, or at least just knew that he was an SAS-soldier not too long ago. A captain as well.

At that point, he knew he probably had no real chance with you. He knew, if he fucked up, there's a whole SAS-team after him. So, he settled on just being good friends with you, mostly because of your father and his own fear of rejection.

Your father, on the other hand, befriended himself quickly with Johnny, having chatted about explosives most of the time in that same evening. He was sure Johnny and your friends were nice, not having anything against those.

You invited Johnny over more frequently, having had late study sessions, talking with your father about different stuff, and also more grill parties with your friend group. You could say your father became more fund of Johnny with time, having made more jokes and teases than necessary about you two.

»When are you marrying, son?«

He really wanted to ignore that question the first time your father asked him that. But he couldn't, and really tried his best to find the correct answer to it, but also not lie.

»We aren't together, sir.«

John waves a dismissive hand at him, huffing out lightly.

»Please, I've seen how you look at her. Don't waste your time before she finds someone else... and stop with the formalities. I told you that already.«

After a small pep talk from your father, he had some more courage to be closer to you, but still not enough to ask you out.

For some reason, it was harder than it looked like.

Even now, as your both fully grown adults and working together, he can't just walk up to you and propose something as a date. But now, with everyone thinking you are engaged, it might be the perfect oppurtunity to finally ask you out.

a/n: wow, again a cliffhanger, who would have thought!1!1! I hope you enjoyed it, I'm working on two fics right now, so I can't say when the next part is coming out. Probably soon.

[physalian]

On Establishing Authorial Intent vs Character Voice (Specifically, in tragic queer characters)

Coming in hot with another controversial topic.

There is probably a better way to phrase that so what I mean is this: Your book’s message and your characters’ decisions don’t have to match, and if they don’t match, and your protagonist has a very polarizing personality or makes very controversial choices, unless you state otherwise, your readers are going to assume that your character is your mouthpiece.

In other words: If I write, say… a gay man, as a cis, female, queer author, and I write him suffering during the AIDS epidemic, and I write this gay man fitting every single harmful stereotype possible. I write this character that is everything Fox News wants you to believe about gay men and AIDS.

But in the last ¾ of the book, the man has an epiphany with Therapy Speech where I, the author, reveal that I’m not actually a homophobe out to punish my protagonist and perpetuate these stereotypes, and my agenda is not, in fact, to bring the queer community back decades because people are stupid and won’t get to the end of my book to realize that…. Whoo boy, I have f*cked up as an author.

—

Have I dropped enough heavy-handed hints that I read a book that did exactly this? Not a gay man in the 80s, but a queer character nonetheless. Now this was a book that I had to finish. If I didn’t have to read it, I would have quit about ten different times throughout for a variety of reasons, not the least of which being very stiff writing that wasn’t engaging. The actions and thought processes and arc of this queer character were so insulting, so harmful, so off the mark, it was horrifying.

I stopped reading for a day and I’d already drawn all my conclusions and was not very nice in my feedback, but I had to finish it so I did, and the book addressed all my criticisms within the last 100 pages, out of 367.

Meaning: Anyone else would have actually quit and taken away from the book exactly what I did—that this was homophobic propaganda. “Oh but if you just make it to the end-”

Nope, not good enough. I read for entertainment and the book did not hold my attention. I need no more excuse to drop it for something better than being bored, and yet I held on through some nightmarish representation.

So.

How not to do this:

You are completely free and welcome to write unhealthy representations of any minority (why you would if you’re not that minority and not out to make a mess of things baffles me). Not every character has to be smart and well educated on proper representation. They don’t have to be a perfect Mary Sue that makes no mistakes and has no controversial opinions and does absolutely nothing that could hint at being problematic. That’s not what I’m saying at all.

Rather, that character can go ham, but you, as the author, must establish as quickly as possible that all of that is the character talking, not you. Whether it’s a queer character or POC or heck just a woman.

Have a dissenting voice (I like to call them harbinger characters) that serve as the author mouthpiece and is ignored and dismissed by the Problem Character. Harbinger says what the audience is thinking through the flavor and color of a character (so it doesn’t read as super preachy), trying to warn the character about the path they're taking, and Problem Character very cleary doesn’t give a damn about what they think. Critically, the narrative makes sure you know that the Harbinger is correct, and PC is wrong.

Have the PC acknowledge early on that what they’re doing is wrong, minimize it, argue against it, and attempt to justify their own behavior anyway. They know they’re the villain, essentially, and they just don’t give a damn.

Have an equal and opposite healthy character to counterbalance all of PC’s terrible choices. Different from the Harbinger in that they’re less obvious about their place in the story and just living life as that positive representation.

Give the PC a “descent into madness” where they start out a healthy person and through dramatic, understandable, tragic circumstances, they’re forced into this role that they’d never thought they’d succumb to.

Have the PC horrified at their own state of being but too hopeless to think they can escape from it. Have the PC know exactly how harmful they are, to themselves, to other people, and just convince themselves that it won’t get better, that they’re too weak or too afraid or too selfish, whatever.

Because I just rewatched these movies and they’re fresh on my mind, I’m going to use Caesar from the Andy Serkis Planet of the Apes movies. Caesar is your Jesus/Moses archetype: The Martyr. This is the paragon good guy leading his people out from oppression into the blessed lands of freedom. This is the guy with unshakable morals and a compass that points unfailingly North. He is the inspiration to the rest of the cast on how to act and how to be a good, healthy, moral, respectable person. He alone takes on the punishment meant for the group and is literally crucified, he could not be a more obvious paragon and Jesus figure of goodness and purity.

Until he isn’t.

Caesar’s “descent into madness” comes after humans murder his wife and older son, amidst an ongoing war that’s taking a toll on the ape community and his own psyche as they continue to lose numbers and ground and apes defect to the human side because of the villain Koba—Caesar’s foil.

He becomes everything he sought to destroy and his friend points out that he’s become Koba in all but name and his actions inevitably lead to his death because he is so consumed with revenge that he doesn’t escape the climax of the movie when he has the chance, and suffers a fatal injury. Caesar acknowledges this and basically says, “I know what I’ve become. I have to do it anyway. I can’t escape my own rage.”

All of this is believable and understandable and tragic. He was realistically pushed to these horrible ends by the story and we saw what it did to him.

The book I read had the Problem Character flip a switch because they were horny and thought another character was hot.

—

But once again I was faced with an author taking on far more than they were qualified to write, having a protagonist who identifies as a minority that already suffers enough prejudice and misunderstanding—a minority that the author themselves is not part of.

So once again because this keeps happening: You can and should write minority characters. You should not write the suffering of these minorities if you did not live it, because their suffering is not yours to profit off of and you will almost inevitably do it wrong.

[mdhwrites]

You've said before how you feel about Luz abandoning the Isles when they needed her because she refused to try and fix it. I think it's said that she genuinely believed she would only make things worse so she thought she needed to take herself out of the way? Are my memories faulty?

Okay so I'm going to start with a scenario to make my point clear because you're not wrong... But you also are.

Let's say you're assigned two partners for a science project. You decide the best way to split the work up evenly is to have one person do the research, one person to write up the conclusions and one person to do a lot of math for the calculations you'll need. You each state your strengths with one saying writing, one saying research and the last saying, "I like math."

However, a week passes and you are struggling to finish any it because you've gotten none of those calculations for it back. When you push, the person goes, "Well sure, I like math but I suck at it. As such, my calculations would have been wrong. That would have caused you all problems so I decided the thing that made the most sense would be not to do anything at all." The project still needs to be done though and the majority of the work has been done for them. As such, now you and the second person have to work your ass off to do what your third member cannot while they contribute nothing but they promise they feel really bad about it and they're okay taking a C if this ends up making the project fail, even though their actions would have gotten them an F on their own.

Luz likes to make decisions. She essentially never consults ANYONE on what she should do and half the time someone tells her, "Don't do X," she goes ahead and does it. This also constantly gets other people in trouble and gets her in trouble because she is really bad at making decisions. And yes, with helping Belos free the Collector, she admits that she made a terrible mistake and that she makes a lot of mistakes. Her literal statement on this is that she'll finally listen to her mom and learn from her mistakes by staying in the Human Realm. Permanently.

Do you potentially notice a problem here though? Yeah, my thoughts have NEVER stopped at "Luz left a planet to die because she wanted to stay home." No. I always do mention that she claims part of her reasoning is because she makes stupid, rash decisions on her own that hurt others but then she goes ahead and makes a stupid, albeit with implied a LOT of thought, decision ON HER OWN that will hurt people.

Do you know a great way to avoid making a mistake? Asking someone else if it's the right choice to make. Or hey, just decide you don't need to lead anymore. If your decisions are the problem then let someone else make the decisions. But... Then Luz doesn't get to do the fun thing she likes to do. She actually has to listen to other people and maybe do things that aren't her number one option because her first choice would get people hurt. That isn't what Luz wants. Luz doesn't want to actually grow or learn or get scolded for her mistakes. Otherwise, she wouldn't CONSTANTLY LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING.

So instead... Why not just let them suffer the consequences while she stays home and lives in peace, her problems in a far off fantasy realm that she never has to think about again? People always like to say she's giving up so much but what is she actually giving up? The fantasy world? You mean the one that's currently ravaged by a child god and has a populace that she assumes will hate her? Yeah, that's hardly something to give up. The chance at friends? Too bad Thanks to Them shows people who are very interested in being her friend and also Yesterday's Lie showed there are people like Luz who would probably be willing to be her friend. What is Luz sacrificing by deciding to just sit at home with her loving mom and live a normal life?

So why grow? Why learn? Why try to do better? When you can do nothing. That's what Luz wants to do. She wants to just stay home and do nothing, even as that means condemning an entire world, bare minimum at least a continent, which includes her found family and friends, to death. Her claims of trying to do better are nothing but excuses so she can have a clear conscious as she allows thousands upon thousands to be enslaved and tortured.

So yes, she SAYS that she is doing this because she doesn't want to make things worse. The problem is that there are plenty of ways for her to still have even attempted to help without having to make the decisions she's afraid to make worse but those options would require more work and require her not to be the star. And none of this, even if this is the most expanded version of this point, is missing from those past blogs because they also talk about how she claims to have a problem making decisions and yet still makes this choice entirely on her own.

Because she isn't learning. She's just deciding that some broken puppets are a small price to pay to keep getting to do whatever she wants. It is an excuse, end of story. See you next tale.

======+++++======

Sorry for so many blogs about this. It's admittedly to me a very important point because it's the moment Lumity dies. It's the moment that Luz's character can never recover. It's the moment when the TOH fandom became genuinely horrifying when it comes to mental health as THANK GOD no one has tried to refute this with "She has depression" because yes, that will get you blocked if you try to tell me that. I am disabled by depression and I understand lives still matter. I understand I'm not supposed to lie, CONSTANTLY. I understand basic ass morality, unlike Luz. And in this moment, there's no turning back for her, let alone after For the Future when she doubles down on how selfish her desires are.

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[idrinkteawhenifeeldeadinside]

Pit Babe episode 3 rewatch/live commentary (part 2)

Made a minor edit on part 1

Be petty Charlie, be oh so petty XD and yet he still take the time to reassure him that he did nothing wrong (which, by their agreement, he didn't)

The few second Babe take to just breath while deciding if he should share his past with Charlie, if he trust this boy enough to do it. All that while looking right into Charlie big puppy eyes.... who is not blinking, just starring at Babe.

The little smile once he took his decision

I already talked about the toys car but damn ...and he's being so careful with it

For all his boasting about "eating alpha bla bla bla" Babe seem to not like Charlie's mentioning it. Once again rising the question "how did Babe really perceived his past sex*al relationship ?" + the comment about "a fake image that was created".....Nope, not going there tonight (it's currently 1 a.m and i already cried enough today)

The boy who play Kid!Babe is so cute and good actor.

Not gonna lie, in this situation, i too would have trusted Tony.

Guess we know where Pete got his quirk for archery...

He's so happy by making his "Dad" proud

And a round of applause to the make up team to make them look so much younger in the flashbacks

Oh Kenta.....

At fist, Charlie question made me laugh and then i realized, what else could he ask.....

And that Way talking, not Babe

Yeah sure, tell yourself that Babe! To bad Charlie is already down so bad for you.

Once gain that some pretty heavy promises Charlie "stay with you, take care of you".....wait that sounds like......nah, never mind

Please, you already are Babe.

And him seeking reassurance from Charlie. And his smile when he gets it.

And this is the exact moment knew he was irrevocably in love with Babe

Do you think Babe put his legs on Charlie's lap ?

For all the series (bl and other) this first kiss is one of my favorite sheer intimacy between them, the softness in their eyes, the smile the gentleness in their movement and touch...

Hi Jeff !

Now i really need to know, is that an Apple product placement ? Also did Lenovo agree to be in the Omegaverse vroom vroom ????

It took me approximately 5 rewatch before noticing Alan behind the desk, sipping his coffee

The "swick swick" of the shoes on the garage floor 🤣

"Why is that old man so close to me ?"

Hiiii Dean!!!!! You're so cute, and beautiful and i love you 🥹

And i want your jacket

He's so eager to please and prove himself to Alan

Liar

And this is when the fracture begins

Don't take your frustration on Jeff , please !

Sniff kiss !!!!

Jeff, are you okay ? .....Of course not, it's probable is first "intimate" interaction with anybody except Charlie

You know someone is really cool when they're wearing sunglasses inside and it doesn't look entirely stupid.

Hiii Pete

Is that really something that Pete can agreed upon alone as a new executive vice president ? And if not, how did he convive the board members ?

Pack photo !!!!

Hiii babies !!!!! (yes i'am talking about the bonzai)

Sonic green jacked, that it, that all i have to say!

No really how did Pete got the green light for this partnership ?

1rst Hiiiii Kim!!!!! 2nd, Benz hands and nails

Hiii Winner (yes i will keep doing that for the rest of the series)

And lets fall once again in the WinnerKim/Kimwinner pit (pun intended i guess) And dom!Kim is back !

*cough*Kim is wearing blue *cough*

Also that a pretty stupid think to do Winner...Who smoke in a garage ???

Why is he so cute one moment an assh*le the next

For someone named Winner, he surprisingly doesn't react that badly at being called a loser

Or maybe it's because it's Kim.....

Yes let's manhandled him....You should do it more Kim

That's very convincing Winner

Rude! Maybe next time someone should stop him from doing that...with a kiss ???? No .....okay

Side note n°? : while i was watching the WinnerKim scene, the song "Tunnel" by Mingi (Ateez) started playing and made the scene so much more dramatic 😅 bur also the song is strangely fitting (or maybe that just me) -> Here the link (you can put the english subs):

[FIX OFF] Desire Project #1 'Tunnel' | ATEEZ(에이티즈) 민기

And now i want an Ateez/PitBabe collab🥹

So cute, he's so tiny

Ah la la Kim, rule number one, don't trust the rich ! And you're to good for your own well-being

Can i have a Charlie please ?

Oh please Babe, your loving it! You didn't even hesitate before drinking it.

Two things : 1) next time take off your day clothe before laying on that bed Charlie (yes, even if the sheets and up in the washer by the end of the night) 2) for once i'm not mad at the light still being on, after all Babe was waiting for Charlie to come back.

Hiii tiddies !

The toys !!!!!

And my favorite par of the scene -> the clock continuity.....it's beautiful

He's so gentle and so, so in love

Playing with his hair

Scent mention, yeah!

Pavel face is truly beautiful. The contrast between the sharpness of his jaw with the softness of his cheeks. His moles, His long eyelashes. The shape of his eyes

And somnophilia -> check i guess

Dream ->yes, sweet -> not the word i would use

Charlie letting Babe giving him his little welcome peck before going for the kiss

That was a close call between the headboard and Charlie's head

Way

Hiiii NorthSonic

Sorry Nut :

I'm literally falling asleep on my keyboard.....Bye bye

[steve0discusses]

Ep 48 Pt 1: Just Me Thinking too Much About the Shape of Obelisk's Ass

Got swamped by work stuff and sick stuff pushing my stupid fatigue to 11 but hell I need to write about Yugioooooh.

Last we left off, Isis and Shimon died in order to get Pharaoh back the puzzle so he could pull out the spicy god cards.

And I need to discuss butt plate.

(read more about Obelisk's ass under the cut)

I know that Obelisk probably never does a big sitty at any point of his day, but considering I have chronic fatigue now and I just big sitty all the time, I think about sitting a LOT. Like a LOT.

Anywhere this man sits down is destroyed. Like anywhere. He's got a gardening hoe for a rear end. This man could kill you with his butt in a way that's just way more devastating than his fists.

Why does this exist? Like have we EVER seen the back of a god card before? Like ever? It's fascinating, and parts of me wonder if whoever was doing this episode started sweating bullets when they realized "Does Obelisk have a butt? And how chiseled is the butt? I'm very concerned like, does he even wear pants? How cheeks are these cheeks?"

And like was the solution between if Obelisk would have a bubble butt or a flat butt to instead put a giant knife on his ass to cover it up? because I can respect it. It's a weird character design decision but so is this entire show.

And the character design is about to get a little weirder his episode because Yugioh reminded us that fusion exists.

Bakura is true to his word, and so we say "so long" to the theatrical pocket universe where these two yell asides at eachother across the DM table. We will go back to the isekai where Bakura will now become Zorc for the rest of the show.

Does the show give Zorc a British accent, do you ask?

No.

And I'm as confused and disappointed as you are. Alexander the Freakin Great had a British accent. But Obelisk? Absolutely not. Would not make sense. Who would do that?

Now in case you forgot, because I only do like one of these a month, Seto was left behind at the castle courtyard because Yami did not give him a ride to Kul Elna. You may be asking, isn't the...castle courtyard in the capital? Like right in front of us? Like why would Seto be in the desert?

I don't know.

Maybe that was not the capital where Sad Seto watched his not-wife die? Maybe that was somewhere else? Geography in Yugioh is such a mobius strip I've sort of gotten used to this.

Anyway, Seto is in the desert, and it may have been something we found out and I forgot because my fatigue is kicking my ass but like...I'll accept it because it's very funny to me that he's hiking around sand in that outfit, comes over a dune, and just sees those God card he REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted 4 seasons ago but lost to Yugi Muto just mocking him up there in the sky.

Also Seto believes in magic now. It was a very abrupt thing but it had to happen eventually. Better late than never, I guess.

And then the Egyptian Gods freakin biffed it.

Isis and Shimon would be shaking their heads about how they died for freakin nothing from their afterlife plane, if any of this were in fact actually happening and not a weird simulation in Yami Muto's mind that is in a puzzle wired to Yugi Muto's brain.

Speaking of which, back at Yami's tomb, Yugi is having a meltdown.

It's part of his creative process, having a meltdown. Yugi would have massive creative block without his routine. That's just world building.

Yami is also going through his spin cycle, now that the moon blocked out the sun and we don't have any way to fix that.

Except we actually do have away to fix that, we used it in Season 1 when we went up against Mako Tsunami (don't ask me how I remember that random fact but don't remember what I ate for breakfast) but the problem with the ancient Egyptian version of this card game is you can really only summon like 1-3 cards at a time. So, they're boned.

And now it's Seto's turn to fix Yami's problems, which like, wouldn't be the first time, wouldn't it?

Problem is, this Seto is just SO BAD at cards.

I really should've put the towel on this shot ps but like...I got tired. I got a bad fatigue week, so we're gonna go au naturale with this episode.

Now one of y'all did a fancy reblog and showed how Zorc looked in the Japanese version which can I say--is SPICY. Like the US version tried to connect the neck more with the neck of the dragon, so it's like a tummy dragon instead of peen but it uh...doesn't work from this angle, does it?

I'm just still reeling about how there is a dragon dick and it aired on kid's tv and they fully got away with it.

EGYPTIAN ROLAND SIGHTED.

We love Roland.

I'd recognize that bad stache anywhere. Just because you don't got glasses on doesn't mean we don't know you got a Roland doo under that headwrap.

Bless this man.

Also, Roland is shredded? I'm just gonna leave that there.

And that ends this segment. With the way we do image blocks...I uh will have to end it here. I can't have like more than 30 blocks total? And we're at 15 images? I don't know if it's adding text blocks to image blocks in that addition? I'm not sure how this new post system works so I'll just cut it here anywho.

Until then I'm going to go lay down prone on the ground like Yami muto in the image above. Kinda jealous of him rn not going to lie.

https://steve0discusses.tumblr.com/tagged/yugioh/chrono

(and for those who just got here, you can read these caps all in chronological order by using this link right here. Assuming it's the right link. With the new Tumblr post thingy, it has been randomly removing /chrono from the end of my link? Which sucks? anyway, hopefully it works.

[oh-my-damn]

How can a guy that looks like chris, has the financial stability he has, has accomplished a lot more than I’ll ever do in my life, be so insecure? It’s really apparent too. He’s always seem off to me but I would let it go because how handsome he is. He’s got the resources to find someone to help him through all of that and it annoys me he takes no advantage of it. That we know of.

Because confidence doesn't come from what you have, it doesn't even come from what you look like, in most cases.

It comes from who you are.

It comes from knowing who you are, who you want to be, and either knowing you're working towards that goal, or knowing you've achieved it.

It comes from the people surrounding you, the ones you have that fulfills your life and makes you feel like you've done well because they love you for who you are. Because they love the core of your being.

I think confidence stems from a lot of things, but I don't think anything materialistic defines it.

You can have people coming from nothing who achieve everything because they're confident they can do it. And you can have people who've been given everything since birth who achieve nothing because they aren't.

I think a lot of factors plays in, like the people you're surrounded by (family and friends etc), to the environment you grow up in and/or subsequently choose to be in later in life, but I also think it has a lot to do with yourself.

Personal self growth can change the trajectory of anyones life.

If you choose to focus on who you want to be, the person you'd like to be or become, instead of focusing on who you should be because everyone else wants you to, I believe confidence comes naturally.

But if you live your life according to others wants, needs and demands, it eventually becomes difficult to feel confident in yourself, because you're not living your life for you.

And ultimately I think confidence comes from being content with who you are as a person. A lot of factors come into play when you try to define yourself, and in the end, what matters is that you're happy with who you are, because of all of that. How you treat others, how you've lived your life, if you feel like you've done some good or accomplished the things you dreamt about - or if you feel like you're on the road, towards all of that.

If you give it all up, for one reason or the other, in my humble opinion, I believe it's hard to be content with yourself and your life.

Which is also why it's so interesting that Chris chose to say in that SMA interview that he would describe himself as "content".

Because it's very obvious, to anyone who's paying attention, that he isn't content. He never has been.

In that very same interview, he talks about all the things he still wants (some of them are things he's wanted for years and years according to what he's said publicly) but also all these hobbies etc that he "wished he would pursue but probably never will."

There are so many indicators in that interview alone that speaks volumes to the person he is.

And he is not confident in himself (he even says "I hate myself so I fooled you all") he's pretending to be confident because he's been taught how to look it for the majority of his life, without ever actually feeling it.

And eventually it tears you down; it makes you make stupid, impulsive decisions, it causes you to make mistakes.

He's always been doing it but we're paying more attention now.

Those mistakes can be corrected, but the cost is to look at oneself and ask "What do I truly want? Who do I truly want to be?" and work towards that.

That man is not in tune with himself, I don't think he's lived his life purely for himself in a very long time, and I think he's too afraid to try and fix it at this point. He won't be content, or confident, or truly happy until he finds out who he is and who he wants to be.

[randomly--accessed--memories]

I'm thinking about other scenes from the show and where Vox might fit into them. Specifically I'm thinking about when Cherri took the crew to the bar. Now, should Vox go to the club? Probably not, but Charlie dumped some cash on Cherri and ran. I don't remember where Al was during that episode but assuming he disappeared to do whatever before Charlie left, the hotel crew is left with a choice, bring Vox to the club or leave someone behind to babysit, and nobody wants to do that.

Angel almost chooses to, not because he wants to, but because he's trying to be a better person, but Cherri convinced him to just bring Vox along.

The rest still happens like in the show, Niffty goes running up to Valentino (side note, anybody else think it's funny Val chose to go to a club named Consent?) and Angel still has to rescue her. Val still slaps Angel around and Husk still comforts Angel, but as they're walking away, Husk pulls Vox along with them from where he was standing. Maybe puts an arm around his shoulders because it's the easiest way to steer him, and that's when Valentino sees him. Vox is here, and he either didn't see him or didn't recognize him, and now he's leaving with a washed up ex-overlord and Val so desperately wants to chase after them, see if Vox remembers him and will come back with him, but he knows it'll make a scene. Vox is anonymous with the hotel crew, the Vees have been keeping him secret and if Val goes to him it's inevitable that a photo will be all over social media in the next 10 minutes. Val can still hear Vox lecturing him, back in the day, about not making stupid decisions that ruin their brand.

So Valentino just has to stand there and watch as Vox leaves, and there nothing he can fucking do about it. And then to add insult to injury Niffty still yanks out his fluff.

Ok I gave you angst, now someone give us the silly, what does drunk Vox do in the club?

Oh jeez... Val's just like "...Is this that instant karma thing Vel told me about" internally. Also, the fucking horror at realizing he didn't even recognize Vox between the club lights, his bad eyes, and Vox's new look. I had been imagining that he switched to the retro head while he was still at the tower, but the idea that he did that after Alastor took him, probably at Alastor's direction so he'd be less recognizable and more to Al's own tastes...

Vox can't drink alcohol, but he can absorb battery acid. He's not the only screen-head in Hell, so the bartender might have to dig around for it, but would probably be able to find something for him to imbibe. He'd keep trying to go inside the club lights or the music system and the crew has to keep pulling him back. As soon as they take their eyes off him though, he's trying to do it again, partially with Cherri's prompting (she thinks it's funny and wants to see him get kicked out of the club). He's getting better at not frying things, but by the time they leave, most of the electronics in the club are on their last leg.

Also, Pentious would be trying the whole time (and mostly failing) to pretend he's not friends with Vox since Cherri hates him so much. Vox doesn't understand why he's doing that and is a bit hurt, but when Pentious pulls the whole "I'M HAVING SEX WITH EVERYBODY!" thing, he'd make sure he doesn't get dragged off by the crowd (it's my AU, I get to rewrite the poorly thought-out canon scenes!), which makes Pentious feel like the biggest asshole for having ignored him all night.

[dojae-huh]

I was hesitant to write this because I don't want to bring up this topic here…but I just want to share some thoughts…so please don't be offended if my question annoyed you…but you know, I was really shocked when I saw the news about Haechan being caught smoking…of course, he is an adult and I have no right to tell him what to do…and I'm not like a typical Korean fan who can accept drinking but not smoking…I hate both…but smoking is something I really despise…and it's not good for his health, especially since he's a vocalist. Everyone knows how it affects breathing and all…I don't even know what I'm writing here…ty and JN have already been caught before with smoking scandals and I hate that they do it…but Haechan is like a little brother to Doyoung, and I wonder if Doyoung has ever told him not to do it? I don't know for sure, but I believe Doyoung would never smoke as long as he sings and he prioritizes his health above anything else…like some people have said, if they're living together, wouldn't Doyoung try to make him quit smoking?nd also I knw dy is not someone to cross the boundary or force someone to do something ...but u knw hc consider him as a real brother so may be he stops becoz of it...aaaah I dont knw....I just cant stand still since I heard this news...it is killing me....that much I hate smoking...nd i didnt expected it is from heachan u knw...he should stop it…I just want him to stop it…I'm worried about him because I like him so much huh nim..what to do…😥😥…

You can do nothing but hope he'll make the decision to stop. And that he is only an occasional smoker.

It's normal that you are uneasy about it because you feel strongly about the topic. You have both the feeling of disgust (the smell, maybe the action (it does look stupid and ugly with vaping, heh)) and the hyper awareness of the health complications. And it clashes with your positive feelings about Haechan.

I also thought about Doyoung's apparent inaction. Knowing Do used to hang wet towels in his room, avoids drinking before performances, does vocal chords warm up exercizes, and is a fan of the very bitter propolis, I can't see him being OK with smoking. However, normally, when people live with others and care, they go to smoke outside (in case of kids, for example).

As for Doyoung not stopping the habit altogether. He can nag, he probably does, but he can't make people do what they don't want to. Haechan is an adult and not really Do's younger brother. Do can't act with force. He gave up on Taeyong, and all Tae did wrong was be late for practices. Which is a minus, actually, and can backfire one day. Like, if Do's friend gets into drugs, will he be able to take harsh measures? I got such thoughts. Tae is definetely a guy who can fall victim.

Smoking relieves stress. And there are enough things in Haechan's life that are stressful. Smoking can affect the voice, however, there are many singers who smoke and are still able to sing in their 50s (most rock-stars, probably). And there are many people around Haechan who give the bad example. Other neos, managers. Most people pick up smoking because others around them do it. Vaping is advertised as less harmful than sigarettes. Which might affect "stress relief vs voice preservation" pros and cons calculations.

[dearweirdme]

the thing about special forces,, jungkook could have applied for it. just not until he has finished training, because of his tattoos. special forces don't accept visible tattoos only during training, but you could apply for it after. so jk needed to enlist alone to be able to do so, because another rule is companion soldiers don't qualify for special forces. so if jungkook really wanted to enter special forces he could've enlisted alone (even if it's temporarily at the same division jin and jimin are at, or the one taejoon are at) then after his training is over he could've applied for special forces and got accepted in whatever special forces unit fit his abilities best (could've been with taehyung or somewhere else). but he threw that possibility away by doing the buddy system with jimin, cause now they're bound together wherever unit they get assigned to after their training is over and it can't be special forces. so no matter how yall explain it, what jungkook did was a choice he knew the consequences of and what he would be giving up on and yet he still chose to do it. not to mention how the 5th division buddy system applications ended in august, so jikook would've had to have taken that decision and went through the process monthsss ago before sending in their application in august and hoping for the best (since the 'winners' get chosen by a lottery system). so they went through all that trouble just to ensure that they will enlist together at the same division and unit. and they did that during the same months yall were saying they weren't close anymore and weren't seeing each other anymore. just goes to show how stupid yall sound when you act like you know what goes on behind the scenes based on the very little snippets of their lives that you get to see.

Hi anon!

Yes! Let’s call Jk a liar then alright? Would that suit you better? It’s his words anon.. not Taekookers’ words… his words!

Do his words mean he wanted to go with Tae rather than with Jm, no they do not. His words mean that he likes the thought of going into special forces. That’s what it means. Be mad at him for saying that and disappointing all of you,

I truly couldn’t care less about what you all make of this. I’m glad he gets to go with Jm, I think it will make them happier to be there together during a tough time. Truth is though, none of us know the thought process behind them enlisting together. You think he chose Jm over Tae and Jkk couldn’t bear the thought of not going together, I think it’s most likely a combination of factors that let us to this outcome.

Does any of this matter? No. They’re leaving, and they are going to go through a lot. It has nothing to do with shipping. People should seriously stop making this about who’s right. You don’t like my thoughts than don’t visit my blog. I certainly am not visiting your side right now.

And please.. if Jk says he would have liked to do special forces.. then that’s probably true, but it might just not have been what he ended up choosing.

[thatonesongyouretryingtoremember]

DBD ramblings: episode SIX

Jenny says the thingy!

SYMMETRY

MUSIC

she sounds so mad on nooo

What is that drawing on her wall?? and that weird oval thingy??

I DESPERATELY need to know who told Niko!

help. or support. <-odd phrasing

SYMMETRY

he gives back the seaglass :(((

"I guess it doesn't represent emotional stability" then what does it represent?? and didn't she wear green in the Devlin episode?

wooden armadillo

the Light of Heart has its own soundtrack!

Also why is that one in a box and nearby it are other similar items including an identical white heart gem that are all not in boxes??

they're both like Niko, take a chill pill

the way he says it's just tragic is so funny

ZINEOGRAPH!

Do you think Mick found out about Angie waking in storms because he went outside during one to see if he could talk to Sedna?

why to the walruses never have tusks in this show?

why is there randomly a shot of a hand with one missing finger??

HER EYES

ANYWAYS r u fr?

oh this is the comic ref outfit!

I mean I know it's only a one-time use for por purposes, but it is interesting that someone would make a thing like that and it can only be used once. very odd that it would end up in the shop rather than being used by the creator. I wonder if whoever they were going to keep away found them and they never got a chance to use it.

KITCHEN SHIT

It looks like Monty didn't arrive home until morning, even though it was the middle of the night when he talked to Edwin (I kinda wonder what Esther thought he was doing all night)

THE WAY HE TOUCHED THE CAGE

MUSIC

stuffed meerkat

"hey this plan won't work unless all the of them are really fucking stupid" "slut"

what was she gonna do if Monty said no? I mean, kill him, yeah. but would she, like, get some other ghost to get them to the woods??

The way Monty I SO decisive. He'll get it done... why? Does he hate/think he hates Edwin THAT much? Is he trying to be detached? This is "just" his job. Is he empathizing with Esther?

fun fact: knitwear, in Edwin's time, was still considered rather formal.

he's ALREADY dressed fancy this early in the episode!

I think it partly represents a departure from his school. That controlling environment made everyone wear one uniform, but today he is wearing a unique sweater.

The way he's looking at Charles👀 No WAY Niko didn't catch that!

Charles looks at Edwin when Monty shows up

The way his voice goes UP

Edwin just wants to talk things out with Monty and Monty is NOT having it. I can't blame him, he might not even know that Edwin wants to help him, he hasn't exactly had friends before.

Charles keeps watching Edwin for that whole line and then turns to Monty like "Are you seeing this shit?" and Monty is just like

[ID: Debby Ryan in the film Radio Rebel ticking her hair behind her ear while gazing coyly into the camera : end ID]

and the girls are giving NOTHING. I want to see them!

OKAY EVERYONE'S A BIT OFF TODAY, YEAH?

That's actualy probably really worrying for Charles considering what haltend the day before.

The way Monty cocks his head to indicate to follow him XD

aww Crystal can't share things with Edwin and Niko doesn't wanna lie 😔 😢

Monty: Im so cool and have already moved on. look at me flirting with Charles. As if I'd ever say Edwin was kind or considerate.

Charles: yay we're friends now!

Edwin: Can we be so fucking serious for one fucking minute

This HAS to be when Monty figured it out. Something about Edwin's look..

"unlike Edwin, Gladys doesn't have anyone else" *looks him up and down* "just me"

first of all: He must be taking after Edwin with his dramatic-ass walk

secondly: dos this count as outing someone?? like he is making it very obvious what happened, right?

third: What is he playing at? Is he just being mean because he wants Edwin's feeling to be hurt just like his are? is he trying to make a realistic reaction? Is he trying to tempt Edwin to take the bait by making him desperate for his good graces? probably not the last one, since he thinks Edwin doesn't care. Maybe he is trying to get Edwin to prove he cares.

GENUINE RELIEF

Why would he think someone was missing who wasn't missing??

MUSIC omg this is so funny

Jenny's outfit omg

Niko is the only one to mention the sweater lol

NIGHT NURSE! I guess she was knocked out for the whole last episode.

that music box is still going?? I would go insane.

where are the bodies of the other people she ate? where is the stomach acid?

Lucky Kashi had a lantern when he was swallowed

"dying isn't available to me" TMN generally views death as a mercy. Earth=bad, afterlife=good, but also, if she were a dead soul, she'd be taken care of by others instead of 24/7 work for eternity.

"it would be a shame for you to die" she isn't above death threats, even though having too many dead souls is supposedly part of her problem

NOT THE LIP STARE

do you think Kashi ate the corpses? what did he normally ear?

oh no the music box

Also is that a breathing asshole??

Edwin: don't worry about Gladys :)

Monty: can you not be condescending for one fucking minute?

"clear the air" *rainbow lense glare*

everyone has the capacity to hurt people, Monty. If that's your criteria, prepare to have zero options out of any sign.

Did I mention how badass the visuals for this show are?

are those Norse runes?

kinda weird how there's one big tree separating Monty and Crystal from the boys. maybe a living/dead thing?

Si THAT'S what it takes to convince Charles. People in obvious danger.

Monty's face??

*hits tree with stone*

are these enchanted stones reusable?

Monty's reaction to Crystal losing her abilities!? He's like "oh shit"

I wonder if he was depending on her to figure out the plan so he could blame her to Esther and not be at fault, but also not kill the boys, or something

Edwin in his head: Oh no our friend didn't tell us what was wrong! She was willing to jeopardize a case just to stop us from helping her :(

anyways. "tone" is made up and he had a valid question. Charles already asked if she was okay and he didn't have to be redundant, and he just wanted relevant important information.

why does he randomly add the Monty thing into the conversation?? and how does the not liking her thing relate???

so they think it's a blindness/pain thingy

HER DAD

what are her earrings?

so NOW they figure out that the ghosts are being *consumed*

I see someone say Death picked up the moose, but if she had, the boys would have had to hide.

GHOSTS POSESS ENERGY

complete obliteration

oh my god she literal wanted that twink obliterated

MONTY'S FACE OH NOOO

✨️why would anyone even do that✨️

why's one lantern look like a fucking camera

do characters HAVE to bring up horror movies every time they split up? I mean, I think they do, actually.

the quiet footsteps as they switch spots...

also if peepers in Washington are anywhere NEAR what they are in my state, there is no way those guys could hear eachother at night in the woods.

IF YOU START TALKING TO ME ABOUT FREE WILL I WILL DROWN YOU OUT MYSELF

I CAN'T SPEND EONS INSIDE A FISH! WHEN THERE'S WORK TO BE DONE!

why is this scene so trippy

redemption arc core

SYMMETRY

oh the music did a weird thing

1. Does Kashi want to stay inside the fish??

2. why would she go back to sleep. She would feed again.

not sure how the glowing works but okay

what do you think will happen by fuckin. poking it

OH RIGHT DAVID IS HERE

they play with *fear* alot for David

the yellow scratch for magic!

Also this is like. the first time he *actually* uses that cricket bat.

why does breaking the constructs of mirrors dispel David?

scratch still there glowing yellow on the ground

me when I climb up a fucking tree

Monty's really just fuckin chillin, huh?

Edwin finally learned how to talk about feelings, y'all!! he interrupts but he is so so sweet about itt!!!

THE WAY MONTY JUST FUCKIN. SPINS AROUND. it's like he was just waiting for a reason! he had that son locked and loaded, man

why are the trees glowing?

oh it's the lantern. kill me.

"but I promise you that I care"🥲🥺🥲🥺🥲🥺🥰

it's easier to go along with killing someone if you can convince yourself they're a terrible person, huh? Makes it easier to pick one side, to stick with the woman you've been following your whole life?

Also both of their facial expressionssss I could DIE

Monty: aww🥺 you care about me🥺🥺

...

aw shit..

um, heyy Eddie boy, let's go NOT be in the middle of the woods in the dark at night haha how's that for an idea uhh

Edwin: *spells out what the fuck in facial expressions*

Cat King: TIME FOR SEXUAL HARASSMENT

okay in all seriousness the rise in urgency before CK even shows up is so. I don't even know the adjective! compelling?

Edwin is still all serious and caring and Monty is all of a sudden deflecting even after that moment, so Edwin is confused as fuck, and the rushed tones and fast walking and ask if a sudden the fucking?? lantern??? goes out????

OH GREAT. HERE'S ASSHOLE.

Also the tree-filtered moonlight in this scene!? TO DIE FOR! it's so pretty and pulls the color scheme together.

he's weirdly defensive about the tree thing but okay

this scene never fails to leave me dumbfounded. like, CK kisses this child on the face to prove a point (said boy, Monty, makes a face of "who the fuck do you think you are") then proceeds to call him a gross bird and tell Edwin that he ""owes"" him a thank you kiss.

Honestly I think this really speaks to CK being so entitled. Like, he definitely isn't good to Edwin by any means, but he also wants Edwin to actually like him, so he always gives himself plausible deniability. oversimplified, but I don't want to dwell too much on this fucker for an annotation post. Monty? Monty's just a fucking bird to him, something he would eat, food he can play with. Much less of a person than his own cat self, or than Edwin.

OH SHIT I JUST REALIZED

Esther was cheated on. She was betrayed. She turned to her magic, and eventually her patron goddess, Lilith, who would give her a gift and one day in the future, take it back.

so, in Monty's point of view, Edwin's love for Charles is mutually exclusive with giving any shits about Monty. He hasn't been around very long, he thinks of things in a simplified view because it makes more sense (and what's more human than that?) and Esther's backstory is all he's got for any negative experience with a man. So he turns back to his patron goddess, who would eventually take back the gift she gave him.

holy fuck, I'm actually crying now.

He can barely get out Charles' name awww

the way Edwin has nothing to say when Monty tells him how obvious his feelings are...

Do you think Monty felt stupid for not seeing it sooner?

I am not sure what Edwin's speechlessness means, but it leads to one hell of a falling out.

OH YOU'RE JUST LIVING THIS, AREN'T YOU, CK!?

nobody wants to kiss your tuna-breah ass, cat.

GO OFF EDWIN

nothing about you si far can be classified as 'nice' bro. don't threaten your crush.

I never asked to be human. With all these feelings.

THE BLOOD SPATTER

THE HAND HOLD

Monty comes back😢😢😢

WASHERWOMAN! FUCKYEA

there's a table and a sandwich, clearly means something

^^look who knows symbolism

She just met these ladies and is already ready to spill about her ghost problems! after a minute she stops like wait if three ppl aren't psycic this week sound stupid as hell

I wanna learn about these other ones!! and Iris (eye pun) too!

also I'm not sure what country Iris' accent is from, but her clothes are giving America to me, so we have some idea as to how long Crystal's family have been on this continent. but relevant atm just interesting.

What kind of other powers does she have?

Iris lists off some different types of women in their family with the magic. priestess, shaman, and artists. Crystal's mom, Maddy Surname, is an artist!!

the line "no desperate mistake" always gives me CHILLS

oh, so NOW violence is okay?

teethface, what the fuck

Charles explaining his kiss with Crystal🤝Crystal explaining her inherited magic: IT'S IN HERE *points at skull*

I love Jenny's outfit in this scene

causing the emotions... in your eyes.

the way she needs a cue to sit down

At least Jenny is self-aware

this scene is so sweet and I love the music

DRASTIC TONE CHANGE

I don't think Ed gets your shroom joke, Charlie.

AN APOLOGY (that's like, two now, right?)

GOBSMACKED

SHE SMACK MY GOB UNTIL HE APOLOGIZES

Even when confessing, Edwin can't say it directly (well, until...)

well, y'all didn't know you'd see Monty, right? so are you saying he dressed up nice just to come out to you??

I love that Charles smiles when Edwin starts talking, like.

Charles is like "yay my friend is coming out to me! I'm a cool, safe guy!" then he's like "don't worry bbg hoy don't even have to finish your sentence I can see ur having difficulty there" and inadvertently messes up a little but like. idk. It's a really nice scene.

*hands on shoulders* *eyes locked* "don't matter one bit to me"

He's been waiting entirely too long to have an opportunity to bring up CK LMAO

he's like aw yeah my bud my bro just came out to me as gay he's opening up and being vulnerable hell yeah- wait NOW I can stop acting like I don't think CK was trying to get in his culottes!

SUPERHELL

the angle??

Charles with the debate skills

tHe AfTeRlIfE iS iNcApAbLe Of A fUcKuP well then what's your job? cleaning up nonexistent meses??

*presses paper like button* *intensely breathing hell creature awakens*

so the thingy is caught between hell and not-hell because of what Edwin believes 🥲🥲🥲

me when I question everything

MUSIC

camera thingy??

so how were they planning to get Edwin to L&F with the bracelet?? would it fall off when he went to that plane??

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #145

I am really struggling today. Once again, my brain got really weird, and today I ended up doing something particularly dumb.

...I don't really wanna talk about it. But suffice to say, I ended up exhausting myself, and I didn't pull the lilac blooms from the greens today, either. I ended up not really doing much of anything, except for having very serious discussions with M and J, which is fair, all things considered.

In my world, today is Mother's Day. I dunno if you have a similar holiday in your world, but in mine, it's supposed to be a day in which we're supposed to celebrate mothers in general. Everyone goes on and on about how inherently loving mothers are supposed to be, and all about how saintly and magical and wonderful they are, and...

...Well. As much as I miss mine sometimes, I don't really know what they're talking about. Mine mostly just liked to lord it over me that she put food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head for the sake of getting me to keep house, watch her other children, allow her to vent to me, help her with making adult decisions about who she should be with or where we should move, and then expect me to withstand her wrath when I inevitably can't do these things perfectly.

My mother does beautiful things like sing and play guitar. And she can be loving, supportive, and kind. But the "loving, supportive, and kind" bits were mostly reserved for other people. It's not stuff she typically showed to me. If I came to her with my problems, mostly I just got a tirade about why I shouldn't be angry or sad or scared, and then she'd do nothing to actually help me, oh and by the way, how dare I have the audacity to ever be anything other than happy under her roof because I should always be oh-so-grateful that she puts up with my sorry ass because no one else ever will, and maybe she should send me back to my father's house so that my stepmother can beat my ass into shape, and... just. ...Sigh...

I've spent most of my life trying to protect myself and trying to figure things out on my own, because I was "the smart one", and therefore she felt like teaching me things wasn't something she should have to do, because in her eyes, I should have already come equipped with "common sense". I was taught how to do dishes not by her actually sitting with me and showing me how to do them, but by her screaming at me and calling me "oblivious", "ungrateful", and "lazy" anytime I did it wrong, for example. Any mistakes I made were chalked up to willful disobedience, being uncaring, or being stupid instead of being unpracticed, inexperienced, and clinically clumsy. The fear of being bad at things and the fear of trying anything new still haunts me.

There was one night in particular in which she made it painfully obvious that even if I am in immediate physical danger, she will not help me - opting instead to pretend she's sleeping so she can observe without me knowing, to "see if I can fend for myself" (which I did do; I was successful, thank goodness), and not even come out to comfort me after the fact. I don't really like to talk about it. I think I probably won't get into it. Not unless you ask. And you won't ask because you can't ask. Because obviously.

...Anyway, suffice to say, I have no idea what it's like to have a mother who actually cares about me as much as she cares about her capacity to use me as an extension of her will, or her capacity to use me as a verbal punching bag when I fall short of being a perfect extension of her will. So... here we are.

I know you grew up without one altogether, and so your situation is a little different from mine. But all the same, I wonder how much of my situation you can relate to. If you have a Mother's Day in your world, I wonder if it's hard for you, too.

In any case, I tend to avoid places where Mother's Day is gonna be celebrated. I avoided going to the place with the leader today, for example, because I didn't want to hear some syrupy speech about how all mothers everywhere are inherently nurturing and supportive. That being said though, I think I wouldn't mind so much about these speeches if I could say, "well, actually..." without everyone else getting super pissed at me for having experiences outside the norm and challenging stereotypes by speaking on those experiences.

...Goodness, but today especially, I really feel like I don't belong here, on this planet, in this world, in this solar system, in this galaxy, in this universe in general. I feel disconnected from everything. I want to leave. I want to go home, wherever the fuck that is, because it sure as hell ain't here.

...Hey, Sephiroth? If your planet ever stops being super fucken racist against people who weren't born in its Lifestream, do let me know. When I'm all done on my planet, maybe I'll see about applying for a visa to where you live or something. Why not. Or maybe once I'm out of my meat-mech, I'll just wander the cosmos by myself for a while. If you're not still busy trying to save your world by then, maybe you can wander with me, if you want to; I've always wanted to see what the inside of a star looked like. We have a planet called Neptune in my solar system; supposedly when it rains, it rains diamonds instead of water. Maybe we could go check that out, too. Or maybe we'll go see what's under all the gas clouds of this other planet we've got called Jupiter. Saturn's also pretty cool, what with all its rings... maybe we'd find some nifty stuff over there...

...

Well. In the meantime, I played some video game about diving today. It's called Endless Ocean Luminous. You're a scuba diver and you scan stuff. It seems pretty cool, I guess. But admittedly, I'm not entirely sure how it works yet. I imagine I'll figure it out, though. I'll take some pictures of it if I come across anything interesting to show you.

...I really miss being able to swim...

Well anyway, I don't have much else to say. Today was pretty depressing and difficult and I feel very defective and not very lovable or wantable. I feel like I am not good for other people. I feel like I should leave my meat-mech permanently so that no one has to deal with me anymore. But I don't have to succumb to thoughts like those, even if the temptation to do so is very difficult to resist right now. I can just wait for the feelings to pass, and they will pass because that's how feelings are. Nothing is permanent.

I love you. I'll write again tomorrow. Maybe by then I'll have something better to say. Stay safe, because I'll be over here doing my best to do the same.

Your friend, Lumine

[musical-chick-13]

The workshop thing wasn't great in that respect but it wasn't that bad either because it was so clear that people were jealous when they were being harsher than the professors, who did step in at points when it veered from critiquing stylistic choices into doing exactly what people who think tagging fics on that post is okay are doing. It didn't discourage me from writing but it did solidify my decision not to major in creative writing (this is probably also why I in particular was a target: it wasn't my major, it was a hobby, but I was as qualified as them and got as much praise as they did and even one time more than them on the very first exercise of my first workshop, which probably didn't sit right with them, but only fueled me further because I am nothing if not a creature of spite).

And that's the thing too: so many people can't grasp that there's a huge difference between "this isn't for me" and "this has a lot of issues". Which to preface, unless someone's asked you to beta for them keep your mouth shut. They're doing this for free. Exit out if there are too many errors or whatever (and errors isn't even exactly the word I want but I'm exhausted and didn't sleep enough last night). Not that those people SHOULD beta either even if they were asked, honestly, because they clearly do not have a grasp on what constructive criticism actually is or how it works. You don't need a workshop to learn that either, just basic human decency and Google.

But like anyways. In the workshops I read plenty of things I just Did Not Vibe With, but were objectively very, very good art and you could tell how much care the author put into them. Sometimes things just aren't for you and the author didn't poorly execute that concept, actually.

I ran into this a lot in Performance World, too, back when I was trying to get a singing/stage performing career off the ground. There are SO many threads of that part of my life I can relate to this discussion and it would take far too long to explain them all, but there VERY much was a culture of perfectionism. Jealousy and extreme competition were incredibly prevalent, lots of "stay in your box," lots of complaining if people didn't stay in their box. Even when we were learning (or doing community theatre just to stay in practice or build up a resume), the stakes always seemed astronomically high. Someone could do a passable or even genuinely good job; but if it wasn't good in the "right" way, then it was still seen as meaningless.

For courtesy's sake, I'm putting the rest of my thoughts under a cut, because. Well. This got long. As answers by me are wont to do.

There also was a lot of "pick a genre" and "this is the only MEANINGFUL type of music/art/etc." The opera crowd hated that I liked musicals and pop music because those styles were all "stupid" and "frivolous" and "simple" (which isn't. even true, no art form is a monolith, and what those words mean is going to be different for every person, but, you know). Everyone else hated that I sang opera because it was a "pretentious art form" and "boring" and "sexist/racist/etc." (Those first two are incredibly subjective, and plenty of modern opera works exist that seeks to not uphold those forms of prejudice.) There was "if you look like [x], then you can't do [y performance type]." "If your voice sounds like this, then you can't EVER pursue ANY roles outside of this small pool of stuff because you need to know your place; if you don't, people will think you're making Bad Art." And then you, at best, get shamed, and, at worst, can't make a living.

All of this, of course, was a matter of opinion. Most of it, like you said, boiled down to the fact that people were doing things that weren't, actually, bad or untalented or ineffective--they just didn't work for people. They didn't meet some arbitrary, subjective standard that had no real, concrete, actual meaning. But when people with any degree of power start taking their artistic opinions as immovable fact, we end up with...well, we end up with the current theatre climate, and we end up with whatever is happening in fandom communities right now. (Because just as there are some people who, for insisting on a lack of constructive criticism, should not be beta readers, there are some who should not be educators or directors.)

There were a lot of reasons that I eventually stopped performing publicly/on stage. But a big part of it was that I just didn't want to deal with that culture anymore. When I made the decision to walk away, I had gotten to the point where I'd started to hate singing. My primary form of expression, of catharsis, of solace, since I was eight or nine years old. And luckily, withdrawing from a professional pursuit of art has helped me get some of that back. But I see those same issues--that same negativity, that same judgment--starting to pop up in something that isn't even meant to be for money or a career or anything other than personal expression. I see so many people getting discouraged, starting to lose the love they had for that expression. My love of art was almost taken away from me, to the point where for a very long time I couldn't even do it for fun, alone, in the private comfort of my house. And if I can do anything to prevent that from happening to someone else, I sure as hell will.

I'm glad that you were still able to get some good out of that workshop, because that's not always easy to do when the people around you are acting like that. (And kudos to realizing that you didn't want to do this as a major/career, that's not always easy to do either.) And I know I've talked more about professional art, but this is so prevalent in the way people talk about community theatre, too. Being upset that a student production doesn't have Super Stellar Voices/Acting, ragging on amateur singers just for posting a karaoke video on their personal Facebook page, expecting Met-opera-level singing quality or Shakespeare-scholar levels of acting text analysis from a group of volunteers who are spending their precious few after-work hours to put on a musical, just because they want to share that story with people. I've seen lots of comments that it's not meaningful because it's "bad." When. I've done a lot of community theatre. Plenty of it is not bad, actually. If you hate it that much, you don't have to attend a production. (Just like how. if you hate a fic. you can hit the back button.) And even if it is "bad." It's still going to be meaningful to someone. Even in a "bad" production, at least ONE of the actors or crew members will have a good time helping create it. And at least ONE audience member is going to have a good time; whether that be because they simply love theatre, someone they love is involved with the production, or because they don't care about an arbitrary "quality" measurement. And I absolutely think the same thing is true of writing, and of fanfiction especially.

If, for example, someone goes to karaoke and screams "I Dreamed A Dream" from Les Mis extremely off-key and grating, because they're experiencing a shitty situation and just need some catharsis? I don't have the right to rag on them for that, I would be an asshole. If someone posts a cover for fun on YouTube of...I don't know, "Take On Me" and can't hit the high notes, but wants to pay tribute to a song they love, who the fuck would I be to take that away from them? So if someone writes a "silly" or "stupid" or oh-God-forbid "cringe" piece of fanfiction (which. AGAIN. do not have any concrete meaning because those are SUBJECTIVE TERMS) to get some feelings out or to talk about how much they love a fictional character. Well, I think if you call them names over that and try to publicly shame or harass them, then, quite frankly, you are engaging in pointless, cruel, and braincell-less behavior. And you can stay 10,000 feet away from me.